Two main intimate events shaped all my love and sex life and still bear consequences today that I am turning 50. Looking back at them, I could figure out a few drops of wisdom, or at least they seem so to me now.
And though I felt as my heart was breaking irremediably each time, I can now see it has not and probably will never because of a break-up.
What I learned in my thirties (and wished somebody had told me)
You can survive a break-up. You can survive multiple break ups. You’ll find your way, no doubt. When you fail, do not fail to learn the lesson. There is always a lesson, it’s your job to find it and use it to become a better woman.
Listen to your instinct, always. You may not rationally understand why and other people may think you are impetuous. Trust me, your ‘hut‘ (heart+gut) knows better.
The fact that entirely changed my life at 30s
I was madly in love with Danilo. I had never felt so in love with anyone. He was the exact kind of man I had dreamt of…tall, blond hair, big dark eyes, a fit body. He had a different approach to life than I had but he was so handsome and I felt shivers down my spine every time we touched.
Then it all started to crumble down. He kept cancelling our appointments with no apparent reason, he showed up for 5 minutes and then rushed away saying I had done or said something wrong, he did not show up at all or he did not call me for days and days and just disappeared.
I kept searching for my mistakes, my misbehaviours, my inadequacies…I was desperate.
One night, we had just made love and were just cuddling…actually I was cuddling him. It came out from nowhere. “You may be lovely, elegant and even intelligent – he said- but I want you to know you are not my girlfriend. We are not having a relationship, just in case you were wondering.”
I just heard a remote thunder hitting somewhere far away over the plain. I stood up, got my light summer dress and slid my head and arms through as it draped over my body. He bellowed: “You see, how can I trust you, how can I think I have a healthy relationship with you. Now, where are you going? It’s deep in the night and you are getting ready to leave for where? You must admit it, you are crazy.”
I did not reply. I did not even feel my heartbreak or anything of the sort. I remember I just glanced at my watch and thought: “Ok, I’ll be home in 12 min and still have 6 hours in front of me to have a good night sleep.” I never turned back. I never regretted it. Never.
Listen to your instinct, always. Trust me, your ‘hut’ (heart+gut) knows better.
What I learnt in my forties …and I am still learning
People love to talk about themselves. Ask people a question about themselves and let them do the talking. If you are not great at socializing, just remember it.
Life has a funny way to make things fair. It may take months, it may take years or even decades. But life never fails in squaring things up and…put a smile on your face.
Learn the art of patience. If you sit by the river long enough, you’ll probably see.
The fact that entirely changed my life at 40s
When Greg called me to say he was getting married again I was shocked. We had dated years before and he kept calling and texting me from time to time. I kept the secret hope we would get back together sooner or later and now he was telling me he had met someone and he was going to get married…with that someone.
He had once told me he would have never married again. He probably meant that he would not marry me but this new…what was her name again?
“Why can’t you be happy for me?”, he said.
“Why couldn’t I be happy for him?“, I said to myself.
Fast forward 10 years.
The marriage has long been over. That marriage with whoever was her name, cannot remember. Never learnt it.
I am on the phone with Greg. Again. He is complaining about that marriage: how could he expect things to work? She was so young (she was actually half his age when they got married. He has always had a zest for younger women), she was so culturally different (she is Chinese, that I do remember), she had such a different approach to life and all things that matter…
I listen politely. I mutter something a couple of times.
I even say: “It’s called love. You were deeply and madly in love with her. It happens and when it happens it’s absolutely awesome. You should be grateful you could experience it. No, I do not agree. You were not a fool. You were in love. All people who are in love are fools. C’mon Greg”.
I can not help… a light and ironic smile finds room on my face.
Life never fails in squaring things up and…put a smile on.