Like the hands on a clock, all I could do is put one foot (albeit a shaky one), in front of the other. I was scared of my own shadow, and it felt as if I had been thrown out into stormy waters, without a lifejacket. You may be wondering what the hell is wrong with her, believe it or not, it was perimenopause.
A toxic combination of stress, severe hormone disruption and a cocktail of other undesirable emotional and physical imbalances, caused me to have a breakdown. My mind was racing uncontrollably to dark places, and the questions that appeared to have no answers kept on coming.
“NO” was my reply to antidepressants. I wasn’t depressed, but I needed a magic wand, and I needed it fast. I had lost my faith in everything, including my ability to heal myself, so I asked for a miracle, and slowly but surely it unfolded.
A friend used to come and sit with me, and one day she suggested going to see a hypnotherapist and this was the beginning of my healing journey to recovery. After a few visits, I’ve started to feel less anxious, and although the unwanted thoughts were still there, I was able to rationalise with myself more.
I started to do some detective work and found out that when in perimenopause, you are usually depleted in progesterone, so I was chauffeured to the health food shop (driving was still out of the question) and armed with separate bottles of both progesterone and oestrogen, set off home. After one dose of progesterone, the black clouds started to move away, and I can remember the joy of feeling so much better.
Of course, the magic wand had weaved the first part of its magic, but it wasn’t as easy as taking one progesterone capsule a day from now on, too much one way, and it would tip me back into imbalance again.
I used to dowse daily for my progesterone and oestrogen, it may be that my body needed progesterone 3 days in a row, then nothing at all for a day, then oestrogen for a day.
Our hormones aren’t predictable, they are changing all the time, as we know when the onset of a period is arriving. Mine can change by what I eat, how I sleep, my environment, so for me, the only true way to recovery, was to trust and listen to myself.
The medical profession had no idea what to do with me, and I hear regularly that the lack of knowledge around perimenopause and beyond, is quite alarming. It is often said that it affects 50 % of the population, but actually, it affects every single one of us, as we all have partners, spouses, children, work colleagues etc, so the backlash may become permanent to all we know and love.
However, even in the darkest times, if we just trust, the answer will always appear.