Single, over 70 and Loving It: Why I’m Done Chasing The One

4 min read

For generations, women were taught that true happiness came from finding “the one.” But a growing number of women over 50 are rewriting that fairytale—no longer waiting for Prince Charming, no longer defining their worth by relationship status, and absolutely not sitting by the phone.

Today, many of us are single by choice, not circumstance—still open to love, but fully engaged in lives that are rich, full, and centered on our joy, our goals, and our growth.

In this candid and empowering personal essay, our expert, actress and Radical Age Disruptor Mariann Aaalda shares how stepping off the “relationship treadmill” led to one of the most fulfilling chapters of her life. As she puts it, learning to love herself wasn’t a consolation prize—it was the beginning of real freedom.

I haven’t been on a date since before the pandemic. That realization could’ve felt bleak. But instead, it felt freeing.

Because like Drew Barrymore (who shared, with her signature honesty and humor, that she hasn’t been in a relationship in seven years) and Lorraine Bracco (who posted on Instagram that it’s been twelve for her), I’m not sitting by the phone waiting for a man to call. I’m not swiping, pining, or making deals with the universe.

I’m 77 and I’m living a big, bold, beautiful life. I have friendships that make me laugh until I cry. I have passions that still light me up. I have stories to tell, stages to stand on, and a daily coffee ritual I wouldn’t trade for anyone’s morning breath.

Would I be open to love if it came along? Absolutely. But I’m not holding my breath.
Because the truth is, I already have a full life, one I built, fought for, and fiercely protect.

So yes, ageing has its challenges (hello, gravity). But it also has its wisdom, and one piece of that wisdom is this: You don’t need to be in a relationship to be complete. You just need to be in a relationship with yourself that feels worth showing up for every day and I’m proud to say—I show up for me.

Over 60, Single And Not Settling

A recent study by the National Institute of Health revealed that divorce is decreasing among younger adults but increasing among older ones. Today, 50% of women over 65 are single, compared to just 32% of women aged 18–29.

Why? Because we’re taking the time to know ourselves before diving into relationships. In 1970, women married at 20–21; today, it’s 28–29.

I married for the first time in 1972, at 23. By 36, I was divorced and a single mom. I married again at 40, ever-hopeful and still naïve. Divorced again at 53. Since then, I’ve had six serious relationships. Some lasted months, others years. None lasted forever—but none were failures. Though one did end in “till death do us part.” That one broke my heart.

Why I’m Done Chasing The One

You see, I used to believe that if he looked good and he felt good, it had to be love! That belief got me into all kinds of trouble. If I was hot and heavily attracted to a man—if we had sex—I just knew I was “in love.” Which meant I’d then spend years (including two marriages) trying to “make it work.”

Tragically, as if that were some kind of guarantee that he was in love with me, too. But with age comes wisdom. I’ve learned the difference between love and lust.

These days, I think before I act. If, after just a couple of dates, I can already imagine myself six weeks from now saying, “What was I even thinking?” Then nope, no sex. And if, even after satisfying my physical needs, I can see that six months from now we’ll be driving each other crazy in all the wrong ways? Still nope—no sex.

Now, that’s not to say I don’t believe sex can’t be its own reward—because I do love the sweet smell of testosterone in the morning. I mean, who doesn’t love the rush of attraction and a little heat now and then? But I’ve learned: if it’s going to cost me peace, clarity, or self-respect later, it’s just not worth it.

Next time I fall in love, it’ll be for the whole package, not just “the package.” Great relationships should never be confused with great sex. There are perfectly serviceable battery-powered appliances for that.

Loving Men, Without Losing Myself

Don’t get me wrong, I love men. Some of my best buds are men—including one former romantic partner. And yes, I’m open to falling in love and being in a monogamous relationship.

But in past relationships, I too often “shape-shifted” into what I thought my man wanted. It felt like simple compromise. Isn’t that what love is—compromise?

Well, sometimes that slope is slippery, and you end up deep in the resentment pit—especially when the compromises go unnoticed. Your partner just assumes that’s you being you because you “loooooove” catering to him.

Can you blame the guy? You never showed him the real you behind the curtain.

Between Feminism and Fried Bacon

Like many women of my generation who joined the feminist movement in our late teens and twenties, I still felt the pull of the traditional household I grew up in. As much as I fought for the right to bring home the bacon, I still felt responsible for frying it up—and serving it.

And while I have friends who’ve celebrated 40- and 50-year anniversaries, many of us are on a different learning curve. Some never married. Some, like me, have had multiple divorces.Different paths. Different destinations. But we’re all still figuring out what love and relationships mean to us.

Still Open, Still Whole

Post pandemic, this is the longest time I’ve not been in a relationship. But I’ve been so busy with the resurgence of my acting career, an upswing in my pro-age activism and a very busy social life with wonderful family and supportive friends, that I hadn’t noticed!

And there’s something positive to be said for that. Like Drew and Pamela, I’m enjoying this time of exploration of the person I am continually becoming. Now, if a “special someone” comes along, I’ll be ready with new wisdom, self-assurance, curiosity, delight and enthusiasm.

My youthful quest for “Prince Charming” may be a thing of the past, but finding a great guy to ride off into my sunset years with is still a possibility. If it doesn’t happen, I’m cool with that, because, like the song goes, I’ve finally discovered that: “Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.”  

 

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